"I love every minute of it, and hate myself for it."

Of all the lengthy and sophisticated explanations regarding this topic, the universal trait agreed upon by most is found on the first line of my post. It says all that needs to be said. The turmoil an addict can cause to themselves can be devastating and life changing. The ripple effect of hurt and harm only escalates to greater heights when you calculate the emotions of those who are closest who mean well.

The Brain of and Addict; Cost and Consequence

Justification : "What I do today doesn't affect the scope of things long-term." "I'm not actually hurting anybody if no one finds out." "It's not as bad as the problems other people I know have." "I work hard, I deserve to have a little fun" "I can quit whenever I want to." The cloud of fog that surrounds these thoughts as being legit and formidable is immature, short-sighted, and self-serving.

Spiritual Satisfaction:  "Will God ever forgive me for all the times I said I would stop? Yet I sinned and sinned again." Do I deserve to be forgiven? Have I became the man who asks God for help and prayers in moments of desperation, but fails to give proper thanks for the small victories and answered prayers of past tearful pleas? I know God gave me all the pieces I need to be great, but are there enough left on the table to put together a peaceful existence?

Shame and Disillusion:   "Have I become a shell of my former self?" "Would my actions shame my family if they were known?" Was I afforded such a well-rounded upbringing that on my last day they stood around shaking their heads in bewilderment. Asking where it all went wrong? Have I endured a hardship so great it warrants my actions today? "Is exploiting the shortcomings of others close to me, a constant defense method to shield my own?"

Physical Craving:  "How could I go on if I stopped cold turkey?" "Do I treat others differently because I don't get what I need?" Do I make a mountain of a molehill just to feel satisfied?  Is my addiction less important than my next breath of air, but more-so than a day without food?

Hopes and Dreams:  "Who I am today is not who I thought I'd be by now." "One bad apple a day has grown into a tree I barely recognize." "Could I ever become the person I dream of, If I don't change my path?" If only I could reach this milestone, then things would be different! I wouldn't feel like I need to act in this manner any longer" Do I want to live the life of a pure soul, or the jaded day-to-day that exists in a life of denial?

We all have the ability to redeem ourselves from misfortune and learn from our mistakes. To make the rest of our years the best of our years. Only you can answer what exactly it will take. Every person is an addict on some level, some get exposed and judged by the world while others lay dormant and unnoticed indefinitely.

Tomorrow will still come. You'll reach for your keys and walk out the door. The sun will warm your face. The crisp morning air will fill your lungs. Whenever you start your day you have a choice. A choice to be the person you wish you were, or the one you were yesterday.

When your goals outweigh your needs, you will win.