love

Single Malt and Silence

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The man capable of misstepping a path wrought with mistakes would’ve never bent to lace his boots. Minimizing risk barred him from the reward of scars. A product of what he’s become, a soul filled with an unexplained chasm. Stray far from the misguided warmth it offers. Learn from the hurt as you plow ahead, forever seeking a simpler existence. Not one of comfort and excess, but of knowledge and challenge in its place. Reward is found in the pursuit. Find solace in single malt and a six-string during your most honest moments of silence and solitude. Failing to learn from your past on the path to higher reward will net you a deserved remission into dark times. The game of blame is for the weak and allowing mental entrapment into such a place is uncharacteristic of your ethos.

You’ve known the love and affection of a woman beyond your grasp. Far more deserving of a better man than you. Proving your worth in her eyes on the most authentic level. You’ve promised her nothing and offered a life of passion in its place. Blue collar biceps lock her in deep, in ways a starched full windsor never could. Vices of nicotine, caffeine and adrenaline come in waves. A tolerant girl who understands how to forgive you in the face of mistakes. Trading the peace of a lofty white collar home in lieu of a man who can wage war in the street defending her. Calloused hands that destroy, capable of calming her anxiety and fear when ran up her soft neckline. A fist full of grip, eyes closed, trusting in your strength. Two beings who grow to know they truly offset each other in the balance of life.

My arms are adorned with the permanent reminders of who I am, what I am and where I’ve been. If infinity leaves me black and blue, always know I saw it through. I’m of a generation that answered a call. Young enough to believe I was standing up to serve a just and moral nation on blind faith. Doing my part, earning my keep. Never questioning the politics of my grandfathers generation above my pay grade. Proficient as a marksman, obedient and loyal. Yet, age has a way of allowing you to peer around the curtain. Consumption of the red pill is all but too tempting, you indulge. A burden of hurt, doubt and unanswered questions to fall upon your shoulders. Pawns drug deep in the sand, a river of gunpowder and blood in the wake. Lives taken over misinformation, a calculated agenda handed down by those standing over maps. I’ll forever remember the faces they never knew of allowable calculated loss. Memories I cannot escape, nor would I dream to banish. Brave and heroic actions deserve to be known and revered. A child named in honor of a great man is the least I can offer.

I didn’t get here by accident. I’m merely a product of my environment. I drive fast, drink too hard and love deeply.  A man who has known death and persevered beyond that fear. I have placed it as far behind me as possible. Entrenching vulnerable feelings amidst a daily work ethic reminiscent of our laboring ancestors. I venture into my next phase of life, free to live once more. I possess the maturity to seek the good in what lies ahead and leave the muck behind me. It isn’t without anguish that I’ve become this man, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ll measure my achievement in the lines on my face, the gleam in my eyes and the strength of my grip. Hands that have harmed shall be made to hold. A rough exterior that rarely allows the light to penetrate. Few things can shake a stoic demeanor and unearth the underbelly of my soul. Locking eyes with a child who has yet to endure the world ahead of him, a free and kind spirit that exudes a pure smile offering a glimpse of who I was in the beginning. I envy his place in this world and fear for his journey ahead. My responsibility falls in guiding him throughout his youth, yet I cannot write his story, nor can I clear his path. Bending down and lacing his boots will have to be his decision.

Level Zero

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A full manifestation of primal visceral rage followed by zen state conscious transforming meditation. Culminate both in the human experience and only then are you awake to the spectrum of futility in the eyes of our existence. Your ego as grand as the tallest mountain.

They laugh at you as you’re banished from all written existence. An ounce of fresh water kicked into the ocean from a long pier. Sunset delves to darkness on choppy waters. Achievements and pillars of your success dispersed amongst the masses that surround you, shouting the same in every tongue. Once important and manipulative, you’ve become gray in a sea of black. Incapable of shining brighter than those who pull you down, still invoking your tried and true tactics as you seek to emerge from the bucket of mediocrity. The only way out is admission of fault. Repentance of the soul and a willingness to learn.

Reborn with a purpose.  The path to warmth is love. Endless wrenching moments have purged the evil from you at your deepest and darkest depths. You’ve become vulnerable and pure. Open to receive what it has to show you. Ascend to the light, become a being of peace. Live again once more, only now with an unconditional love for others. Offer an unemotional response to those who seek to judge and challenge you, for they have yet to know the depths required to stand as a whole being. One of fault and recovery. Your love for them will calm the rage, confusion and hurt inside them. See in them what you’d once known in your former self. Be the safety net they’ve longed for yet hadn’t ever known to seek.

The true purpose of existence is to pass along knowledge. Invoke an ongoing realm of cyclic progress. Regardless of the commencement moment, seek culmination of fulfillment into peace and happiness by way of enlightenment. Accept you’re drops in the ocean and embrace your divine purpose.

Addiction: The Enemy of Inner Peace

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"I love every minute of it, and hate myself for it."

Of all the lengthy and sophisticated explanations regarding this topic, the universal trait agreed upon by most is found on the first line of my post. It says all that needs to be said. The turmoil an addict can cause to themselves can be devastating and life changing. The ripple effect of hurt and harm only escalates to greater heights when you calculate the emotions of those who are closest who mean well.

The Brain of and Addict; Cost and Consequence

Justification : "What I do today doesn't affect the scope of things long-term." "I'm not actually hurting anybody if no one finds out." "It's not as bad as the problems other people I know have." "I work hard, I deserve to have a little fun" "I can quit whenever I want to." The cloud of fog that surrounds these thoughts as being legit and formidable is immature, short-sighted, and self-serving.

Spiritual Satisfaction:  "Will God ever forgive me for all the times I said I would stop? Yet I sinned and sinned again." Do I deserve to be forgiven? Have I became the man who asks God for help and prayers in moments of desperation, but fails to give proper thanks for the small victories and answered prayers of past tearful pleas? I know God gave me all the pieces I need to be great, but are there enough left on the table to put together a peaceful existence?

Shame and Disillusion:   "Have I become a shell of my former self?" "Would my actions shame my family if they were known?" Was I afforded such a well-rounded upbringing that on my last day they stood around shaking their heads in bewilderment. Asking where it all went wrong? Have I endured a hardship so great it warrants my actions today? "Is exploiting the shortcomings of others close to me, a constant defense method to shield my own?"

Physical Craving:  "How could I go on if I stopped cold turkey?" "Do I treat others differently because I don't get what I need?" Do I make a mountain of a molehill just to feel satisfied?  Is my addiction less important than my next breath of air, but more-so than a day without food?

Hopes and Dreams:  "Who I am today is not who I thought I'd be by now." "One bad apple a day has grown into a tree I barely recognize." "Could I ever become the person I dream of, If I don't change my path?" If only I could reach this milestone, then things would be different! I wouldn't feel like I need to act in this manner any longer" Do I want to live the life of a pure soul, or the jaded day-to-day that exists in a life of denial?

We all have the ability to redeem ourselves from misfortune and learn from our mistakes. To make the rest of our years the best of our years. Only you can answer what exactly it will take. Every person is an addict on some level, some get exposed and judged by the world while others lay dormant and unnoticed indefinitely.

Tomorrow will still come. You'll reach for your keys and walk out the door. The sun will warm your face. The crisp morning air will fill your lungs. Whenever you start your day you have a choice. A choice to be the person you wish you were, or the one you were yesterday.

When your goals outweigh your needs, you will win.