Mantra 

Today isn’t a practice day. You’re already playing for keeps. Mortality is indifferent to your wants and wishes. Cyclic failure breeds loathing and pity. Failing to plan properly will leave you weak and open handed. The excuse your brain allows that defies your gut feeling needs to sound a siren of change. Cut out the bullshit. Gossip is for the fake, feeble and distracted. Authenticity uproots the bad seeds around you. Devise a plan that scares you, challenges you. Don’t take part in your decisions today, take over. 

Destiny of the Present

Childhood innocence buried behind the walls of human interaction. A product of kindness and wrongdoing. 

Years locked in the cell, tormented by certain fate. Only to learn that basic exploration determined it locked from within. 

Hurt of knowing you sabotaged a relationship with someone who’d loved you more than you loved yourself. 

An icy lake you chose to cross. The journey haulting you too far to return before spring. Initial intent was all that remained. Hindsight knowledge might as well be irrelevant.
Lamenting in anguish. A twelve gauge of silence tempting your fate with free will.
Ever focused on fixing the hurt with an unability to find peace in what you were thankful for.
Ego hardened and unable to allow reputable insight that would’ve alleviated hardship.
The gift of self awareness bestows limitless insight, a blessing and a curse.
Continuous spiral of actions precede consequence. Learning to love yourself while others remain victim of your decisions.
Abstention from a vile path of loathing and pity from others marks the first break of light in recovery from darkness.
Unrepetitious and forward thinking based on experience will be your saving grace.

Single Malt and Silence

IMG_1901

The man capable of misstepping a path wrought with mistakes would’ve never bent to lace his boots. Minimizing risk barred him from the reward of scars. A product of what he’s become, a soul filled with an unexplained chasm. Stray far from the misguided warmth it offers. Learn from the hurt as you plow ahead, forever seeking a simpler existence. Not one of comfort and excess, but of knowledge and challenge in its place. Reward is found in the pursuit. Find solace in single malt and a six-string during your most honest moments of silence and solitude. Failing to learn from your past on the path to higher reward will net you a deserved remission into dark times. The game of blame is for the weak and allowing mental entrapment into such a place is uncharacteristic of your ethos.

You’ve known the love and affection of a woman beyond your grasp. Far more deserving of a better man than you. Proving your worth in her eyes on the most authentic level. You’ve promised her nothing and offered a life of passion in its place. Blue collar biceps lock her in deep, in ways a starched full windsor never could. Vices of nicotine, caffeine and adrenaline come in waves. A tolerant girl who understands how to forgive you in the face of mistakes. Trading the peace of a lofty white collar home in lieu of a man who can wage war in the street defending her. Calloused hands that destroy, capable of calming her anxiety and fear when ran up her soft neckline. A fist full of grip, eyes closed, trusting in your strength. Two beings who grow to know they truly offset each other in the balance of life.

My arms are adorned with the permanent reminders of who I am, what I am and where I’ve been. If infinity leaves me black and blue, always know I saw it through. I’m of a generation that answered a call. Young enough to believe I was standing up to serve a just and moral nation on blind faith. Doing my part, earning my keep. Never questioning the politics of my grandfathers generation above my pay grade. Proficient as a marksman, obedient and loyal. Yet, age has a way of allowing you to peer around the curtain. Consumption of the red pill is all but too tempting, you indulge. A burden of hurt, doubt and unanswered questions to fall upon your shoulders. Pawns drug deep in the sand, a river of gunpowder and blood in the wake. Lives taken over misinformation, a calculated agenda handed down by those standing over maps. I’ll forever remember the faces they never knew of allowable calculated loss. Memories I cannot escape, nor would I dream to banish. Brave and heroic actions deserve to be known and revered. A child named in honor of a great man is the least I can offer.

I didn’t get here by accident. I’m merely a product of my environment. I drive fast, drink too hard and love deeply.  A man who has known death and persevered beyond that fear. I have placed it as far behind me as possible. Entrenching vulnerable feelings amidst a daily work ethic reminiscent of our laboring ancestors. I venture into my next phase of life, free to live once more. I possess the maturity to seek the good in what lies ahead and leave the muck behind me. It isn’t without anguish that I’ve become this man, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ll measure my achievement in the lines on my face, the gleam in my eyes and the strength of my grip. Hands that have harmed shall be made to hold. A rough exterior that rarely allows the light to penetrate. Few things can shake a stoic demeanor and unearth the underbelly of my soul. Locking eyes with a child who has yet to endure the world ahead of him, a free and kind spirit that exudes a pure smile offering a glimpse of who I was in the beginning. I envy his place in this world and fear for his journey ahead. My responsibility falls in guiding him throughout his youth, yet I cannot write his story, nor can I clear his path. Bending down and lacing his boots will have to be his decision.

Lethargy or Legacy

IMG_9969-0.JPG

The surgeon chooses a scalpel as the poet uncorks a bottle. At war with the odds, stacked high in constant battle.

The pen or the knife, a tool for gifted minds. Everyday a constant battle, the hustle and the grind.

Years of dedication raise you up above the rest. Let the haters do their worst, it’s all part of the test.

The lives you’ll change will be untold, unless you go give up and fold.

Think it through and imagine it true. A leader will rise up.

I’m talking to you.

A Wabi-Sabi fall reflection

IMG_9726-0.JPG

When you see a leaf falling this time of year, know that you’re witnessing a one time event. It grew strong and held on through a year of wind, rain and storms. When it finally let go, you were there to watch it fall. You may be the first person to notice that leaf throughout its entire existence, only to recognize it upon death. It’s entire life it chose to blend in with the crowd, forever cursed to anonymity, having its moment of acknowledgment posthumously.

Do not be the leaf.

Revile in your accolades as you thrive in this life and take chances, shining in your achievements and conquests. Let your fear of failure take a backseat to the daunting notion of perpetual procrastination. You’re already at the front of the line, don’t forget that. Our time on earth is finite and this is without controversy. Indulging in self serving tactics to progress in your venture will lead to certain defeat of your legacy and character. Live life in the company of your loved ones, business and personal. Let not your earthy goals be measured by digits and sums. Give in silence, work in darkness and create a foundation for those that come after you. Lead a life of noble purpose in the venture of your choosing.

Or choose to do nothing and you’ll fall into obscurity with the rest of them.

Level Zero

IMG_9280

A full manifestation of primal visceral rage followed by zen state conscious transforming meditation. Culminate both in the human experience and only then are you awake to the spectrum of futility in the eyes of our existence. Your ego as grand as the tallest mountain.

They laugh at you as you’re banished from all written existence. An ounce of fresh water kicked into the ocean from a long pier. Sunset delves to darkness on choppy waters. Achievements and pillars of your success dispersed amongst the masses that surround you, shouting the same in every tongue. Once important and manipulative, you’ve become gray in a sea of black. Incapable of shining brighter than those who pull you down, still invoking your tried and true tactics as you seek to emerge from the bucket of mediocrity. The only way out is admission of fault. Repentance of the soul and a willingness to learn.

Reborn with a purpose.  The path to warmth is love. Endless wrenching moments have purged the evil from you at your deepest and darkest depths. You’ve become vulnerable and pure. Open to receive what it has to show you. Ascend to the light, become a being of peace. Live again once more, only now with an unconditional love for others. Offer an unemotional response to those who seek to judge and challenge you, for they have yet to know the depths required to stand as a whole being. One of fault and recovery. Your love for them will calm the rage, confusion and hurt inside them. See in them what you’d once known in your former self. Be the safety net they’ve longed for yet hadn’t ever known to seek.

The true purpose of existence is to pass along knowledge. Invoke an ongoing realm of cyclic progress. Regardless of the commencement moment, seek culmination of fulfillment into peace and happiness by way of enlightenment. Accept you’re drops in the ocean and embrace your divine purpose.

Crossing Over

Photo Oct 25, 2 21 41 PM

Those who romance war are as naïve as children on their first day of school. Excited to attend, yet soon stricken with a fear from which you’ve been sheltered. A foreign place, void of all safety and familiarity. You’d beckoned this day to come, prepared for it your whole life. On this day, your preconceived notions of invulnerability are shattered. Growth and change are forced upon you. Some embrace and shine, while others cower, waining for the safety of what once was. Pivotal moments that forever change us. Bonds formed, challenges endured, hardships etched into memory as deep as our soul. Be objective in your thoughts and guard your narrative from becoming skewed. Events worthy of commendation need not warrant a lifelong obligation to despair. Stave off the temptation of prescribed vices that offer solace and resolution. Find beauty in simplicity and pursue a life filled with notable family memories over reoccurring hardships. Be proud of your accomplishments, even if hindsight dictates the action regrettable by those far above your pay grade. Allow the transgressions of your youth to empower you in proper decision making for the rest of your life.

Addiction: The Enemy of Inner Peace

"I love every minute of it, and hate myself for it."

Of all the lengthy and sophisticated explanations regarding this topic, the universal trait agreed upon by most is found on the first line of my post. It says all that needs to be said. The turmoil an addict can cause to themselves can be devastating and life changing. The ripple effect of hurt and harm only escalates to greater heights when you calculate the emotions of those who are closest who mean well.

The Brain of and Addict; Cost and Consequence

Justification : "What I do today doesn't affect the scope of things long-term." "I'm not actually hurting anybody if no one finds out." "It's not as bad as the problems other people I know have." "I work hard, I deserve to have a little fun" "I can quit whenever I want to." The cloud of fog that surrounds these thoughts as being legit and formidable is immature, short-sighted, and self-serving.

Spiritual Satisfaction:  "Will God ever forgive me for all the times I said I would stop? Yet I sinned and sinned again." Do I deserve to be forgiven? Have I became the man who asks God for help and prayers in moments of desperation, but fails to give proper thanks for the small victories and answered prayers of past tearful pleas? I know God gave me all the pieces I need to be great, but are there enough left on the table to put together a peaceful existence?

Shame and Disillusion:   "Have I become a shell of my former self?" "Would my actions shame my family if they were known?" Was I afforded such a well-rounded upbringing that on my last day they stood around shaking their heads in bewilderment. Asking where it all went wrong? Have I endured a hardship so great it warrants my actions today? "Is exploiting the shortcomings of others close to me, a constant defense method to shield my own?"

Physical Craving:  "How could I go on if I stopped cold turkey?" "Do I treat others differently because I don't get what I need?" Do I make a mountain of a molehill just to feel satisfied?  Is my addiction less important than my next breath of air, but more-so than a day without food?

Hopes and Dreams:  "Who I am today is not who I thought I'd be by now." "One bad apple a day has grown into a tree I barely recognize." "Could I ever become the person I dream of, If I don't change my path?" If only I could reach this milestone, then things would be different! I wouldn't feel like I need to act in this manner any longer" Do I want to live the life of a pure soul, or the jaded day-to-day that exists in a life of denial?

We all have the ability to redeem ourselves from misfortune and learn from our mistakes. To make the rest of our years the best of our years. Only you can answer what exactly it will take. Every person is an addict on some level, some get exposed and judged by the world while others lay dormant and unnoticed indefinitely.

Tomorrow will still come. You'll reach for your keys and walk out the door. The sun will warm your face. The crisp morning air will fill your lungs. Whenever you start your day you have a choice. A choice to be the person you wish you were, or the one you were yesterday.

When your goals outweigh your needs, you will win.

Iraq: The Way I Saw It (Part 2)

Along the route north, my convoy consisted of fuel tanker trucks, flat-bed semi’s carrying ammo, food, water, etc. and low boy trailers hauling our heavy equipment. We were in support of keeping all entities able and moving forward.  Guarded by a handful of humvees, armed to the teeth yet un-armored in build. Placed at intervals throughout the precession, they were our first line of defense in an attack.  My driver and I, using materials readily available, sandbagged the floor and dash of our cab as to thwart any frag from underneath in the event of an explosion, or rounds coming in at chest level.

Up ahead, a few trucks of ours pulled aside to assist two of our own. One disabled humvee with a blown tire on its trailer in tow. The other a flat-bed truck hauling ordnance that had shifted dangerously off to the side while en route. I was told to get the front end loader tractor with fork attachment down off a trailer and bring it around.

First off, there wasn’t a replacement for the tire that had blown, nor the time to fix it if we had one.  Orders came to lift the entire trailer up, carry it, and place it onto the back of another larger trailer about a hundred yards away….carefully.  Carefully, is what I was “repeatedly” told by the driver who was pulling it when the tire blew out.  As run of the mill as a task like this was to me, I gave him a head nod concurring with what he was stressing to me, just as I did everyone, not even taking the time to make eye contact.  Nothing to it…pick it up…move it over there…set it down…nuff said. Mission accomplished. Upon seeing this task complete, my overly cautious friend climbed up to help tie the trailer down and started to wave at me as I pulled away. At second glance, upon noticing he finally had my attention, he pulled back the canvas cover to the trailer I had haphazardly carried nearly a football field. I literally stopped in my tracks as I read the labels on the wooden crates housed inside the trailer. Caution…High Explosive…No Smoking…etc. The “I told you so” look on his face was all that need to be said. Needless to say, my overconfident attitude was non-existent regarding the next task I faced, “repositioning” a crate of missiles back onto a trailer that had shifted and were left hanging off the passenger side. With much attention to detail and moving at a snail’s pace, I secured the cargo and we were off again.

Many days later we had finally arrived at our objective.  An Iraqi airfield south of Baghdad that was in dire need of repair (due to the U.S. blowing it up back in the first desert storm) that would serve as a re-supply point and medical treatment facility for those injured in the offensive to take the capital city. Pictured below is a portion of the runway before it was repaired.

We set up camp and dug in.

One morning I woke up to a sight I hadn’t expected.  Apparently, a lone U.S. Army tank had become separated from its battalion and had been wandering the desert for days on end, coasting into our camp on fumes with little to no supplies left. I later learned that they were nearly fired upon by our own base defenses after failing to identify themselves on approach in the dark.

“Bathroom Facilities” constructed only of the highest caliber and always with privacy in mind, by US Marines.

Mail Truck!

Interacting with the majority of locals was a friendly event in most cases around our camp. One day, I was working on the grounds of a nearby abandon cement factory and had a chance to meet and interact with a family who lived closely to it. I exchanged waves and smiles with the children many times, but this was the first occasion I had spoken to the adults face to face. After an initial handshake and momentary awkward silence, we were able to communicate through one of his sons, “Hydar” who spoke surprisingly fluent english for an Iraqi ten-year old boy! The conversation that developed between us, would forever change and fortify my personal opinion of the war in Iraq. Toward the end of our conversation, the boy’s father began to tear up slightly… I became confused and didn’t know how to react by his sudden silence. Shortly after, he began to speak, and his sons translation is as follows: “We are so glad that you are here to free us from the rule of Saddam. (tears of joy). My family has lived in fear for so long, I do not wish my family to live under the rule of Saddam any longer…Please do not leave us and let him come back (tears of sadness).” I had no words to say to him at this point, having caught me a bit off guard. I guess I wasn’t expecting him to speak so transparent from his heart. Even to this day, I still recall the hopes and fears he shared with me that afternoon.

In the weeks and months that followed, I witnessed many sights while en route back and forth to Kuwait City assisting convoys of more supplies coming north.

After a few months, my unit was ordered to pack up and head back to the port of Kuwait. More troops were arriving to replace us. This shot was taken at the end of the last convoy I had to make coming out of Iraq. Finally, the vest and helmet were off for good!

All that was left was to load some of our trucks onto the ship before heading home.

It honestly wasn’t until I had returned home for a few months, that I took grasp at what just happened. All the tragedies, close calls, near misses, and so forth.  I thank God every day for protecting me while I was there and comforting me when I needed it most. You can say the war was a glorious success or a place we had no business sticking our nose. But I can rest my head at night knowing I helped give that father a better place to raise his son.

At least…thats how I saw it.

(Below is the official statement from a government website regarding my unit’s actions)

February of 2003 found elements of MWSS-271 returning to SWA in support of Operation Enduring Freedom. As war with Iraq appeared imminent, the Squadron began the year deeply involved in contingency planning and embarkation preparation. The Commanding Officer and other key planners deployed to Al Jaber Air Base, Kuwait, in early February to conduct more detailed operational planning. The Squadron’s advanced party arrived one week later and received the mission to establish an expeditionary camp in the northern Kuwaiti desert. With a few Marines and a host of borrowed equipment, the Squadron created a 31 acre fortified camp, dubbed Camp Workhorse, that would support as many as 3200 Marines and Sailors and become the pre-war staging area for all 3d MAW ground units. Upon commencement of Operation Iraqi Freedom, MWSS-271 crossed into Iraq and established three FARPs and one Tactical Landing Zone (TLZ) enroute to its objective, An Numaniyah. Five kilometers west on An Numaniyah, MWSS-271 established FOB Three Rivers, installing a 440,000 gallon fuel system; airfield lighting for a 9600-foot runway with taxiways; M-21 arresting gear for recovering tail hook aircraft; a mobi-mat MEDEVAC HLZ; and a water production point with over 50,000 gallons of storage capacity. Additionally the squadron coordinated security for the FOB inclusive of an adjoining LSA operated by the 1st FSSG. The Squadron conducted 10 tactical recoveries of downed aircraft, line hauled fuel for 1st FSSG, and conducted resupply convoys to Division and other Wing elements. While continuing to operate Three Rivers, the Squadron established two FARPs IVO Tikrit. On 28 April, the Squadron began retrograding with the final complement of the Squadron arriving home on 17 June 2003.

 

Iraq: The Way I Saw It (part 1)

“Sitting in the sand, my back against a tire of my tractor trailer, in mid bite of eating another meal from a bag, it happened…”

(What you are about to read entails a summary of events that occurred between February – June 2003 through the eyes of a Marine Lance Corporal, boots in the sand perspective. In brief, this is my story)

I arrived in Kuwait City about a month before the declaration of war was announced in preparation to invade the country of Iraq and remove Saddam from power.  I was as green as they get. First overseas deployment, first taste of action, finally getting a chance to put all of my training to use.  Skilled as a rifleman first, as all marines are, my specialty was in operating heavy equipment. Emplacements needed to be dug, ordnance required offloading, and runways were in dire need of repair. After a few weeks, we got the word at around dusk to pack up our gear and move to the northern border of Kuwait and await further instruction. At around midnight, we were ordered to breach the barriers guarding Iraq’s southern border. The push north had begun.

The sight of this to me was nearly indescribable. Thousands of marines, hundreds of trucks, tanks, choppers, humvee’s, and jets flying over was more epic than any hollywood blockbuster could create. Artillery shells were the first to fire forward, sometimes miles in a single shot. With a distinct sound and flash that could easily be mistaken for an approaching thunderstorm. Passing jets and helicopters were heard, yet not easily seen. An endless rolling cloud of sand and dust was forming from all of us on the ground plowing our way north toward our own specific objectives. My seat for most this 20-30 day long push was riding shotgun in a tractor-trailer that was hauling my bulldozer.

A few days in, we stopped alongside the road for a brief moment of respite. A few bunkers had been readily dug out, in the event of an ariel threat.  Rumored to have chemical weapons at their disposal as we approached the capital city, digging out emplacements for quick shelter was a necessity at each stop. A few hours passed, most of us catching a bit of sleep sitting in the trucks for the first time since we left Kuwait.  I stepped down from the truck, inspected the dozer, tie down chains still tight, fluids not leaking any more than normal. The sound of silence in the desert is quite erie, with nothing along side the road or in the distance capable of reverberating  noise.  I leaned against the trailer and slid my body down to have a seat.  Sitting in the sand, my back against a tire of my tractor-trailer, in mid bite of eating another meal from a bag… it happened. Faint shouts from marines off in the distance peaked my interest. I peered around the back of the trailer to see them, dawning gas masks, giving the universal hand signals for a gas attack, and in full sprint for the recently constructed roadside bunker.  First just a few, then all others following suit. In a state of mind numbing (can this really be happening shock), I sat there momentarily and looked straight up into the sky to see a trail of light overhead and heard a crackling noise. Jumping to my feet and sprinting fifty or so yards to the bunker while wearing a gas mask is a feat in itself. When properly sealed around your face, you possess the breathing capacity of inhaling and exhaling through a bent coffee straw.  Through the foggy lenses of my mask, I witnessed the first of many Scud Missile’s that were launched by the Iraqi’s at southern Iraq and Kuwaiti targets.  Some hitting with deadly accuracy, most however, intercepted by our own Patriot Missile batteries launching a counterattack firing multiples at each scud. Upon impact high in the sky, the blast flash was somewhat shielded by low-level clouds, while the sound could be heard for miles.  After hours on end lying in a bunker, praying to God your mask is fulfilling its intended purpose, we receive word from our instruments that there is no threat of chemical harm in the air.  All clear. We return to our trucks and push north as another sunset is approaching.

The next day, we approach the first major city we must pass through

Most of these cities have erected large sculptures and grand entrances

Statue of Saddam with a dragon submitting at his feet

Passing through any Iraqi city on a military convoy can best be summed up by one phrase “keep moving, don’t stop”.

Of the many tactics developed and widely used, the most effective was rear ending civilian vehicles in your way (slightly) as to warn them we will not be stopping for anything, yes, this means you! Appropriately so, larger the military vehicle, less need for this tactic in the first place.

On the desolate roads connecting Iraq’s cities, I would see families wandering and milling about. Many of them farmers I suppose.

Often children two or three at a time alongside the road begging for food or water.  As gracious as we were initially, our kindness became a known weakness for an enemy who would stop at nothing to take american lives. Yet the danger I most often witnessed in this sense, was simply throwing supplies from a moving vehicle in transit.  In a line of trucks twenty or so long, throwing food and water bottles out the windows would result in children making a blind mad dash for whatever the object, wherever it landed. Usually in traffic, as physics would dictate. This posed an extreme risk and we were ordered to stop assisting in this way, unfortunately after predictable incidents occurred.

End of Part 1. Continued in next post.